Making Do

This is a rare double post. Because it deals with changes I believe are going to take place in my life (or are indeed already taking place behind the scenes, unbeknown to me) and how my financial situation is somehow involved, I'm posting this in both my Veronica's Day in the Life blog and here in my debt blog.

A few years ago, I signed up for a pottery class. I loved the class. I loved how present in the moment you have to be in order to center that ball of clay on the wheel. I loved the feel of the moist clay spinning in my hands. While I had a long way to go, one would say I had potential to be a decent potter.

I did it for a year and half. I even threw in some yoga classes here and there, too. Every weekend was filled with pursuits to nurture my spirit, and I loved every minute of it.

But then one day I realized I owed almost $24,000. There was my car note and my ever-increasing credit card debt, the latter of which was being increased every time I registered for another pottery or yoga class.

So I did the responsible thing and gave myself an adult time-out. I decided to stop all classes until after my car was paid off. And let me tell you: It hurt that first weekend I didn't have anywhere to go.

But I stuck it out and paid off my car. And that felt so good that I decided to work on my credit cards, all $20,000 worth. (Talk about a humbling experience. Realizing I owed that much on credit cards made me sick to my stomach. And when I think now about what I could've done with that money -- things like grad school tuition, down payment on a condo, trips to Europe -- well, that still makes me sick.)

The most important thing, though, was this: Every time I pondered what I should do with my life, a little voice would say, "Pay off your debt and then we'll talk." And sometimes that voice wasn't so little. Sometimes it screamed.

So that's what I've been doing: following the direction of that voice and paying off my debt. Sometimes I have to risk being thought of as The Cheap Friend. I suffer through the winter months in a drafty apartment, turning on my heat only when it physically hurts not to, to keep my costs down. I turn down invitations to go placesI can't afford to go to. A former stylista, I now make do with clothes that are several years old. Most of my furnishings are extremely old or secondhand, and the rest came from Ikea. (I'm not knocking Ikea, but I don't think anyone would classify that store as a purveyor of fine, high-quality furnishings. The assembly instructions don't even have words!)

I feel like a recent college graduate just starting out, not an adult.

I'm not unhappy per se, but I do feel stuck. I want to be able to do things that truly make me happy. Like pursue pottery and yoga. Travel. Allow myself the freedom to explore what I want to do with my life without feeling trapped by my financial circumstances. Instead, as a result of years of irresponsible financial behavior, I am forced to make do not just with my old clothes but with my life.

Change is coming, though. And though I mentioned above that it's taking place behind the scenes, one could argue that I'm manifesting it center stage in my diligence to gain control of my finances, that my sacrifices will not be for nothing, and that when all is said and done, it will have been worth it.

We shall see.