Monday, May 23, 2011

Dirty

Wow. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Before I get caught up, though, I want to thank Monia at Losing It All for her sweet e-mail asking if I was OK. That gesture meant a lot.

So, where was I? Right ... catching up on what I've been doing the last month and a half. The short answer is that I haven't been writing, not the blogs and not even my journal. I'm not sure why. Sometimes, I guess, I just can't put into words all that I'm thinking and feeling. It all gets jumbled up.

If I had to put my finger on it, I'd say that part of the reason I haven't written here is that I feel anxious about things. It started when I bought my mattresses. Yeah, that's right: I finally bought mattresses. They're awesome, but I did spend more than I had planned. And the purchase was not without incident. (Put it this way, I doubt very seriously that I'll buy mattresses from Sleepy's ever again. The salesman tried to cheat me, and when I realized the error, the manager was douchey.) So I was left feeling annoyed about this sizable purchase, which, by the way, I charged.

And there it is. The crux of the matter: I charged the mattresses. Do I have the money to pay off the balance? Yes, I do. But I haven't received my home buyer credit yet, and I don't want to eat into my savings cushion. So I have this credit card balance and it makes me feel dirty. So much so that I didn't want to admit it here.

The plan, of course, is to pay it all off when I get the credit. Until then, I'm paying a decent amount every month.

I think the source of my anxiety is that I'm afraid of falling back into old habits, that the $1,800 will become $20,000. Anyone who has had credit card debt knows how quickly it adds up. Plus, I feel like a failure for using a credit card after having paid them all off.

That's ridiculous. I mean, the point is to be able to use credit wisely. That's what I'm trying to do. For example, I have an AmEx card that I use for the annual cash-back reward. But every time I use it -- even though I pay it off immediately -- I feel anxious.

What I'm trying to say is that being in debt doesn't end with that last payment. No, it's a process. It's a way of life, and I'm having a tough time with it.

But that's all the more reason to keep writing here. Though I'm debt-free on paper, mentally, I'm in hock up to my eyeballs. Now it's time to pay that off.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you are back! I think it's totally reasonable to be worried that you might slip back into debt . . . but at the same time you are so much smarter now when it comes to managing your money. And that uneasiness that you feel is exactly what's going to stop you from going any further! :)