On the Road to Obsession

I have a rather obsessive-compulsive nature. I'm sure it's related to my need to control what things I can control since there are so many things I can't. This behavior gets worse when I've experienced some kind of trauma. When a boyfriend was killed, it kicked into overdrive. When The Boy and I broke up a few years ago, again, my need for organization went off the charts.

So I'm very aware of this ... issue with my nature. And because of this, I'm not surprised that my recent focus on addressing my debt and general financial situation has become somewhat an obsession. First thing in the morning, I hop online and check my checking account. Further, even though I know that there have been no changes, I check my savings accounts and/or my credit card accounts.

And last night, I dreamed about my finances. I had all this money and I couldn't keep up with things. I had all this money to put toward my credit cards, but for the life of me, I couldn't get my sh*t together to make payments. I was overwhelmed by the amount of money I had and couldn't make a decision on how to distribute it. And as a result, I didn't pay anything.

Yeah, I'm dreaming about my finances. This isn't good.

As often happens in my life, I came across something very timely the other night when I most needed it. I was searching for other debt blogs and came across this young woman's blog entry addressing the unhealthiness of obsessing about money matters -- really, about obsessing over anything. It's a holistic approach to living life, and boy oh boy did I need to read this. And read it again.

So, to address what is becoming an obsession, I have to give myself another challenge. In addition to my challenge not to buy clothes or shoes for the next month, I am going to try to go a week without checking my bank accounts. I may have to check my checking account at the end of the week, though, because the balance has gotten pretty low and I need to make sure I'm not overdrawn. But no checking the savings accounts or the credit card accounts. Not for a week.

It will be very hard for me. I mean, I check my checking account several times a day. But I'm expending much too much energy on this. It's gotta stop, and today is the day.