Dirty

Wow. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Before I get caught up, though, I want to thank Monia at Losing It All for her sweet e-mail asking if I was OK. That gesture meant a lot.

So, where was I? Right ... catching up on what I've been doing the last month and a half. The short answer is that I haven't been writing, not the blogs and not even my journal. I'm not sure why. Sometimes, I guess, I just can't put into words all that I'm thinking and feeling. It all gets jumbled up.

If I had to put my finger on it, I'd say that part of the reason I haven't written here is that I feel anxious about things. It started when I bought my mattresses. Yeah, that's right: I finally bought mattresses. They're awesome, but I did spend more than I had planned. And the purchase was not without incident. (Put it this way, I doubt very seriously that I'll buy mattresses from Sleepy's ever again. The salesman tried to cheat me, and when I realized the error, the manager was douchey.) So I was left feeling annoyed about this sizable purchase, which, by the way, I charged.

And there it is. The crux of the matter: I charged the mattresses. Do I have the money to pay off the balance? Yes, I do. But I haven't received my home buyer credit yet, and I don't want to eat into my savings cushion. So I have this credit card balance and it makes me feel dirty. So much so that I didn't want to admit it here.

The plan, of course, is to pay it all off when I get the credit. Until then, I'm paying a decent amount every month.

I think the source of my anxiety is that I'm afraid of falling back into old habits, that the $1,800 will become $20,000. Anyone who has had credit card debt knows how quickly it adds up. Plus, I feel like a failure for using a credit card after having paid them all off.

That's ridiculous. I mean, the point is to be able to use credit wisely. That's what I'm trying to do. For example, I have an AmEx card that I use for the annual cash-back reward. But every time I use it -- even though I pay it off immediately -- I feel anxious.

What I'm trying to say is that being in debt doesn't end with that last payment. No, it's a process. It's a way of life, and I'm having a tough time with it.

But that's all the more reason to keep writing here. Though I'm debt-free on paper, mentally, I'm in hock up to my eyeballs. Now it's time to pay that off.

The 200th Post

Yep, still debt free. But you know what? I'm still living like I did while I was deep in debt.

I'd planned to treat myself to a much-needed massage after I moved. Didn't do it; didn't want to spend the money. I've wanted to treat myself to a getaway. Haven't planned anything; afraid to spend the money. I desperately need to replace my old mattresses. Haven't done it; haven't wanted to ... well you get the idea. I haven't even had the new prescription put into my eyeglasses yet.

This is not acceptable. The point of getting out of debt and increasing my savings was so that I could live my best life. I had to sacrifice a lot and learn some new habits. Turns out I learned those habits so well that I can't break myself out of them. I'm not saying I should go crazy and throw responsibility out the door, but when I start second-guessing small purchases -- like a frappe, for crying out loud -- something is wrong.

I'm afraid of that slippery slope. That it'll be a little here, a little there, and before you know it, all my hard work was for naught. But life is about balance, right? Seems I've swung too far the opposite way.

How am I going to fix this? I don't know yet. I've only been debt free for a week. Who knows? I could be handling this the right way. Maybe it requires small steps...

... and maybe it's time I called a professional. My employer covers the cost of one visit with a financial planner. I've met the guy at a few of the talks he's given at our company. He's a nice guy. In fact, one of my friends uses him and likes him. We'll see.

November 2009 Update

I can't believe it's already November. It's a wonder we're not all suffering whiplash from how fast time is flyin'. Let's get to the numbers, shall we?

The Debt: $7,913.00
The Savings: $3,966.52

The good news is that my debt balance is below $8,000. That is awesome! (I hope you don't think ill of me for tooting my own horn for a moment.) And this amount even includes today's purchases. But I'll get to that in a few.

The bad news is that this is the fourth consecutive month that my savings has gone down. That is definitely the wrong direction. I am appalled by this. And the thing is, it could get worse before it gets better. For example, when I had my car repair a couple months ago, it was to replace a strut. That repair is usually done in pairs, but I only had one done at the time. I have to get the other one replaced soon.

I don't want to sound like it's all doom and gloom. For example, I'll get my freelance check next week. It is because of this infusion that I went shopping today. I've been pretty depressed about my wardrobe situation lately, so I went shopping today to find some work clothes. I wasn't as successful as I'd have liked, but I did buy a cute casual pullover and a couple basics, including some leather gloves. Also, I recently ordered two pairs of thermal underwear. I charged both purchases, but I've already set up the payment to cover them.

So that's where we are right now. I'm sure I'll check in again soon.

365 Days and Counting

One year from today I will be debt free.

I say this partly to restate my goal. But I'm also manifesting it into being. :-)

I am kinda sorta freaking out. It's not so much about whether I'll be able to pay off the debt by 10/10/10, but I'm planning to move next year. In fact, I'm hoping to buy a place next year. That will affect things quite a bit. Actually, to be honest, I hope what happens is that my living expenses go down with the purchase. Still, before I sign on the dotted line for a new home, I have to find that new home. And I'll have moving expenses, including the bill to have the carpets in my current place professionally cleaned. It's part of my lease agreement and I don't want there to be any problem with getting back my almost $1,000 rent deposit.

There's also the grad school thing, which I'm having second (third, and fourth) thoughts about. For one, in the end, I'm not sure how much it will help me professionally. Also, the cost is a factor. It ain't cheap; if I can't get my current employer to help foot the bill, I'm going to have to pass. Also, there's the matter of my freedom. Part of why I want to be debt free is because I want to be able to do those things that give me joy -- yoga classes, pottery, travel ... If I'm in grad school, all I'll be doing is studying. And even that would be OK if what I was studying was what I wanted to be studying. So we'll see.

In other news, I've completely blown my October challenge. Once I started sliding, I just gave up. I had to buy some extras for a friend's birthday present the other day, and today I bought some black leggings and a $30 lipstick. (I know that sounds like a lot for a lipstick. It sounds that way because it is. But it's the exact same shade of a favorite lipstick by Clinique that Clinique made only for a limited time. And I love this shade. I've been trying to find a replacement for about five years, and today I discovered that Chanel makes a color virtually identical. It was worth $30 to me to have the lipstick.) Now that it's getting close to holiday season, perhaps I'll hold off on trying to do a challenge until January.

There was also some good news this week: I got another freelance gig. Yay! The job will be in December, but they went ahead and e-mailed me the contract and other forms yesterday. It will be some welcome extra money, certainly, especially since I'll likely get paid in January. We can always use extra cash after the holidays, yes?

So that's where I am 365 days away from my goal date.

Ooops! I Did It Again!

Apparently the items I bought over the weekend were gateway drugs.

A couple months ago I bought this wonderful dress/tunic from J.Peterman. I know a lot of people laugh when they hear J.Peterman because of Seinfeld, but it was a legitimate company before that show ever incorporated it in its storylines, and it continues to sell beautiful, distinctive, and well-made items. Anyway, this tunic is spectacular. And it was on clearance!

I wore it to work yesterday over leggings. I got lots of compliments, including one from my boss, who loved it so much she wanted to buy one too. And I loved it so much that I decided to buy a backup. It's one of those things that in about five years, after I've worn out the other one, I will be glad I had to the foresight to buy another.

Still, the goal was to not buy clothes, books, or music for 30 days. I didn't last a week.

The Buck Stops Here

I know exactly when it happened. It was when I decided to go to the Cape. It's not that I couldn't use a vacation. Believe me, I was thankful to go and I needed the break.

The beginning of the end was when I didn't move my friend's half of the plane ticket over to my savings. Since then, I've turned a blurred eye to my finances. I've used my savings as an easy backup to cover my misdeeds. And the effects have started to show. What was once a snag has become a tear. If I'm not careful, if I don't reclaim control and soon, that tear is going to be a hole.

So it's time to do just that -- reclaim control. For example, another friend invited me along for a trip to the Minneapolis. There's an exhibition she wants to see, and she has a friend who lives near there. I was all set to go along when it occurred to me just what it would cost. Sure, the airfare wouldn't be too bad, but then there would the three nights' charge for a hotel room. And then there's the car rental, food, and shopping expenses.

What was I thinking?!

So though it would've been fun, I can't do it. I've got to get back on track.

My original goal for December 31 was to have $7,500 in savings. Unless I win some money (which would be just fine with me, by the way) or am bequeathed an inheritance from a rich relative (an impossibility since I have no rich relatives), that goal won't be met. Salaries are frozen and my rent's about to go up. If I manage to have $6,000 by then, I'll be grateful. (How I'll meet my $10,000 goal by October 10, 2010, is beyond me, especially given the possibility I may go to Italy next June for a week. More on that later.)

In the short term, the important thing is that I go back to taking it one day at a time. I have to reconsider my purchases -- even groceries -- and stop with the impulse buying. If I'm bored, well, I need to stay home and craft. Or read one of the 50+ unread books on my bookshelves. Running to the store for this and that isn't doing me any favors.

The buck stops here -- literally.

Every Little Bit Helps, Part II

I almost ordered a rug a few minutes ago. I saw it online earlier and fell in love with it. In. Love.

I had already clicked to add it to my bag and was about to go through the rest of the online shopping process -- with my credit card! -- when I thought to myself, "Would you rather have the rug? Or would you rather be debt free?"

I chose the latter.

The rug is $70. And though it's small, it's worth every penny -- it's gorgeous and so my style. Still, it's worth every penny for someone who has those pennies to spend on a small rug. And right now? That's not me. I have other priorities, and if I ever want to be that person who has those extra pennies for a $70 rug, I need to say no to such things now.

Old Habits Die Hard

My hope when I am debt free is to be able to use one card -- to receive whatever points or cash back that's provided -- and then pay it off, in full, at the end of the month.

I don't know if I will be able to do that, though. When I spend, I lose control. I can be so good when I just cut myself off, but when I start allowing this and that purchase, it turns into a frenzy.

Case in point: There were a few things I wanted to get for the cruise in June, so I transferred a couple hundred dollars from savings with the plan to (1) buy them with my credit card (for the points) and then (2) pay off the amount spent on the card using the transferred funds.

But what happened instead is (1) I bought those items with the credit card and (2) also spent a fair amount of the transferred savings on a couple other things.

So now I've increased my balance on my credit card and have decreased my savings balance, and ... that's that.

I knew at the beginning of the year that from May through July the finances would go through some erratic changes: Mother's Day, my dad's birthday, Father's Day, and my mom's birthday all occur within a six-week period; the cruise with my parents is in the middle of June (I'm responsible for my spending money and for the boarding of the family pet); and in July I'm splurging on a much-needed haircut.

I'm disappointed in my spending behavior in May, but not all is lost. I knew there would be an increase in spending, and obsessing over every bit is just going to drive me crazy. Still, I do need to be responsible about what I spend on and not let my old habits get the better of me.

May 2008 Update

Another less-than-impressive month, but I'll get to that later. Until then, here are the balances:

The Debt:

Little Beast: $1,156.01
Big Beast: $16,206.83

The savings balance is over there in its rightful place.

The change in the savings balance is OK -- it's up $262 -- but the change in debt is not that great. It's down just $303, which is almost $200 less than it should be. Why? Well, there are a few reasons. The first is that I oversaved with my last paycheck. There was a healthy dose of overtime pay in there, and I used it to pay $150 toward the Big Beast (to make up for the Anthro purchases) and then put another $200 into one of my savings accounts. But then after rent, electricity, and some general living expenses (dry cleaner, the grocery store), things were tight. So I used the credit card to cover other things, like the $170 for car maintenance, a new bathing suit for the cruise, shoe repair, and -- and I hate this one -- 15 bucks for groceries.

And then yesterday I ordered a pair of sandals from Anthro.

Using credit cards is, for me, a slippery slope. And isn't it crazy how quickly it adds up but takes so long to get rid of?

But I do plan to make up for my transgressions, starting with next week. And rather than sock away my entire economic stimulus rebate in savings, I'm using part of it -- more than $200 of it -- to pay for those purchases I made using the credit card. It's for the best, I know. Still, it's frustrating.

But at least it will make a difference for the numbers next month, huh?