Dirty

Wow. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Before I get caught up, though, I want to thank Monia at Losing It All for her sweet e-mail asking if I was OK. That gesture meant a lot.

So, where was I? Right ... catching up on what I've been doing the last month and a half. The short answer is that I haven't been writing, not the blogs and not even my journal. I'm not sure why. Sometimes, I guess, I just can't put into words all that I'm thinking and feeling. It all gets jumbled up.

If I had to put my finger on it, I'd say that part of the reason I haven't written here is that I feel anxious about things. It started when I bought my mattresses. Yeah, that's right: I finally bought mattresses. They're awesome, but I did spend more than I had planned. And the purchase was not without incident. (Put it this way, I doubt very seriously that I'll buy mattresses from Sleepy's ever again. The salesman tried to cheat me, and when I realized the error, the manager was douchey.) So I was left feeling annoyed about this sizable purchase, which, by the way, I charged.

And there it is. The crux of the matter: I charged the mattresses. Do I have the money to pay off the balance? Yes, I do. But I haven't received my home buyer credit yet, and I don't want to eat into my savings cushion. So I have this credit card balance and it makes me feel dirty. So much so that I didn't want to admit it here.

The plan, of course, is to pay it all off when I get the credit. Until then, I'm paying a decent amount every month.

I think the source of my anxiety is that I'm afraid of falling back into old habits, that the $1,800 will become $20,000. Anyone who has had credit card debt knows how quickly it adds up. Plus, I feel like a failure for using a credit card after having paid them all off.

That's ridiculous. I mean, the point is to be able to use credit wisely. That's what I'm trying to do. For example, I have an AmEx card that I use for the annual cash-back reward. But every time I use it -- even though I pay it off immediately -- I feel anxious.

What I'm trying to say is that being in debt doesn't end with that last payment. No, it's a process. It's a way of life, and I'm having a tough time with it.

But that's all the more reason to keep writing here. Though I'm debt-free on paper, mentally, I'm in hock up to my eyeballs. Now it's time to pay that off.